MONSTER FRESH EXCLUSIVE! – Interview with Presidential Candidate MATT ROMNEY

Politics are, more or less, bullshit and a complete sham.  If that seems like a bold accusation that shouldn’t be thrown around lightly without any real evidence to support it, how about the fact that the saying, “It’s only politics” even exists, in the first place?   The phrase is employed to excuse any number of unethical, morally questionable, downright malicious, slanderous, amateurish, and/or opportunistic maneuvers utilized throughout our governmental system to angle for power and personal agendas, but it has also been adopted for use by private citizens, often in a much less literal sense.

“Sorry about mildly poisoning your cat, so that you had to take time off and then, while you were at the vet, spreading a rumor that you were in rehab, planting that piece in your desk that had a few bodies on it and flooding your browsing history with child porn sites, so that, when you were then off trying to straighten these misunderstandings out with the authorities, I was at work swooping in to claim that promotion that you were slightly more qualified for.  It’s only politics.  We’re still cool right?  It’s basically harmless.  You know how this game goes.  Marilyn didn’t really leave ‘for good’ did she?”

It’s all just mudslinging and filibusters and semantics, red tape, sexual penetration scandals, corporate lobbying, etc. etc. etc.  Far too often the idea of getting ahead means getting ahead of everyone else or, even worse, holding or pushing others back to maintain that divide.

Along with scientific terminology, political jargon is a simple tool used to oppress those outside of a limited and privileged world by making them feel less than.  By using more complicated terms, which essentially possess very basic meanings, it’s much easier to confuse the general public into believing that this select group of people (politicians) are more qualified to control simple operations that have very tangible effects on their daily lives.  “Initiative, what?”  “Is this in favor of rape or against it?”  Sometimes, citizens feel like it’s more responsible not to vote for fear that they might actually be supporting something that they don’t believe in.  In reality, the questions that we need to decide on are often as straightforward as, “If we have a limited number of funds, should we put this money towards getting all of these people over here something to eat and sheltering these children, or should we get that rich fat kid another slice of cake, cover it with crushed up brand name Oreos (double stuff, of course), and buy him a new videogame to play?”  Politics often feel like they entail little more than the art of being able to take a question that has an answer which is that cut and dry and being able to skew it into something like, “Those homeless kids are really vampires–I heard a celebrity say so!  Why is everyone trying to steal from that poor fat kid?!  He just has a glandular problem!  It’s not his fault?  What about 9-11?!  They take our jobs!”

It’s hard to trust anyone these days and, just when I had all but officially promised my vote to the Tupac hologram, a legitimate human candidate for our nation’s presidency may have actually presented themselves.  Thanks to our pal Devon Tincknell, I became aware of a visionary by the name of Matt Romney.  At first I thought it was a typo until I followed the link to his official Facebook page and realized that this American patriot has been forced to endure the burden of carrying a name that is strikingly similar to a politician who couldn’t be further away from his personal ideals.  Along with his running mate, Rob Paul, there are some truly fresh ideas being presented by the independent candidates and, above anyone else who has entered the race up until this point, Matt is honestly the closest thing I’ve found to the Tupac hologram, who unfortunately isn’t running.  Of course, what I’m referring to is a potent mix of charisma and transparency.

I thought about all of the people who have pictures with Barack Obama from when he was on the campaign trail and how, because of how the cards fell, they now have a picture of themselves with the President of the United States.  I instantly knew that we needed to get in on the ground floor and reach out for an interview with Romney.  He accepted.  I compiled some questions and conducted this interview via email.  Everything is written below just as it was received.  A few things that I can tell you about the man right off the bat is that he comes across as endlessly gracious, that he cares about this country, his platform is based around an unprecedented amount of tax cuts, and he loves to party.  A few promises that he’s already promised if elected include tax cuts for “thinkeing about dieting,” “booty shorts,” “people who give noogies to millionairs” and “pterodaxtalz,” as well as plans to “build a coast to coast trolley system.”

But is all this too good to be true?  Should we put our guard down and believe that Matt Romney is truly the revolutionary (war) hero that he claims to be?  Could such a promising future really exist?  We’ve been burned before America and we don’t want to feel that sting again.  Neither do we take this shit lightly.  Romney wants us to believe that he supports our right to the pursuit of happiness and that, even the everyman who’s sitting at home huffing paint and playing party bingo, who can’t afford to have custom suits crocheted for them out of the finest of exotic yarns, would still have a friend in the White House.

As natural skeptics, we dug a little deeper, presenting our findings here so that you can make your own determinations.  Please enjoy what we hope is both an entertaining and informative piece– the first ever interview with 2012 presidential candidate Matt Romney.

Monster Fresh: First of all, I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your busy schedule campaigning.  We’re honored to be a forum to help present your platform, especially since we know that FOX News has refused to allow you into any presidential debates.  Why do you think that is?  What are they really afraid of?

Matt Romney:  well to me it’s simple.  they’re afraid of freedom.  why else wont they let me debate?  i have a three part plan.  i have a six part plan.  i have a nine part plan.  rob paul is a pit bull with froth on his face.  imagine joe biden and rob paul it would be a massacre.  anyway it sucks that they wont let me debate.  i have tried calling them and writeing them postcards but no luck.

You’re one of the lesser known candidates in this upcoming presidential election, thanks in part to outlets like FOX News refusing to cover your campaign.  When the time comes, you are going to be counting on the American people to make that choice to mark “Matt Romney” on their ballots and you’re already making some strong cases about why they should do just that.  I was wondering what the very first thing is that you ever remember having to vote on and, in that circumstance, how you went about making your own determination?

i voted for a beautiful cow at the county fair when i was seven years olde and i have been fighting for freedom ever since.

Just simply based on your Facebook posts alone, it seems like you are already set to start chopping up American taxes on day one like a cross between Dahmer and DJ Screw.  Is there anything that you don’t believe deserves a tax cut?  Is there anything that you believe actually deserves a tax increase?

well i will repeal the bush tax cuts because the fat cats have enough already.  i fight for all of america, but in doing so, wehave to asess what is wrong with the state of our economy.  clearly having the rich and ultra rich paying the lowest federal tax liability since the grate depression isnt working.  i have a list of tax cuts that id like to replace those with.

Some analysts may argue that your approach to tax cuts may be too cavalier or even downright reckless.  I wanted to ask if the following line, taken from the title track on GZA’s classic 1995 solo effort, Liquid Swords, held any special meaning or spoke to you at all:

“I’m on a Mission, that niggaz say is Impossible
But when I swing my swords they all choppable“

I don’t really know what that means but i like swords

At what level does your campaign place the importance of our nation’s literacy rate?

im definitely dedicated to deucation from top to bottom left to right. i think kids should be able to read and definitely write.

In the latest issue of Spin magazine, there’s a very in-depth piece addressing a new synthetic drug that’s being referred to as “bath salts.”  According to reports, they can essentially, contain any number of random substances, ranging from methamphetamines to cannabinoids to, I would even imagine, pop rocks and gold bond medicated powder?  The reactions of users are hard to anticipate and, as of now, the most famous case of somebody reacting negatively to the ingestion of the drug, involves a Florida man nibbling a homeless guys face straight off of his skull.  But this article also references a situation where a man in women’s undergarments stabbed his neighbors pet pygmy goat to death and another case in which someone in Mississippi skinned themselves alive (seriously, look it up).  How much of a threat do you believe that bath salts actually pose on our youth and how would you address the epidemic should you take office?

well i honestly love to party more than any other president ever but this sounds dangerous. maybe rob has taken slats.

It’s public knowledge that you’ve endured a lot of personal tragedy in your life.  First, your wife passed away in 2008 and then your dog followed suit the following year. How did those events effect who you are today, do they play a role in your drive to become commander in chief, and, as president, what sort of programs would you put into place to help people who are trying so desperately to cope with the high level of trauma associated with the death of their pets?

yeah i lost my wife so i am tryieing to find a new one. my mom died too but i am not trying too find a new mom.  its just me and my teenage daughter marie and to be honest it is hard to be a single dadd sometimes.  especially with a teenage daughter and all of her biebers and questions and answers and cell phone plans and whatnot.  also as you said my dog died.  well whats fucked up about it is obama actually tried to tax my dead dog and thats why im here today trying to set america right again.  im going to repeal the dead dog tax.  and thats a promise,

When I was a kid, it was the last time that I even remember having healthcare.  On a couple of occasions, I was taken to a pediatrician, because I was getting a burning sensation when I urinated.  They would always just tell me that I was dehydrated and that I needed to drink more water.  The other day that affliction returned and, since it had been so long since the last time that I experienced that burning, coupled with the facts that I just drank a jug of Tampico and I don’t exactly associate with any unclean women, I assumed that the symptoms were related to that age old adage and that somebody must have been talking about it.  Then I went to the computer and saw that you had just leaped to 666 followers on Facebook and knew that had to be the connection.

What I’m getting at is a 2 part question.  The first is: How important is that type of rapidly growing support to you from your fanbase?  And the second is about your views on the current health care system and how you would approach it, if and when you are elected as POTUS, to insure that your multitude of supporters were actually able to receive the care that they needed, effectively, and discretely?

sounds like u have a balder infefction robs wife has herbal remedies to help you should caontact him.  but anyway you cant keep my massage in a box because people want to hear it.  any real american with a family or a dead dog wants to know that there president isnt a fat cat countin his riches or like mittens romney with his swisse bank acoutns . im real and im here and im gonna save america.

During the recent San Diego Comic Con, a particular religious sect was handing out pamphlets to convention attendees. These materials included a rather extensive and varied list of activities which, according to their claims, were “components of Satan’s spiritual structure” and “doorways to demonic possession.”  What I want to know is, in your opinion, what, if any, place do such practices as backmasking, lycanthropy, and/or remote viewing have in a political campaign?

im an atheist and a cconservative.  im gonna cut your taxes and your god is dead.  lets stop pretending and also lets figure out space travel.  those are my ideas and if people have a problem with it im gonna cut their taxes whether they like it or not.

There has been some talk that you, in no way, subscribe to the Christian faith.  If you feel comfortable addressing these claims, I’d like to know a few things: Are these claims unfounded?  Do you feel that this may be a detriment to your campaign?  On a scale from 1 to the moon landing, how much do you feel that the idea of Jesus is actually a sham/conspiracy vs it being as real as the streets?  [Of course, we mean no disrespect. Feel free to avoid this question if you feel that it is out of line.]

i mean maybe jessus existed at one point and he died but the point is that god is dead and its time for us to start thinkeing about what we’re doing in the current life that we live.  thats why its important to cut taxes in my opinion.  obama is messing up everythieing for our ftuure and i am concerned.  it really upsets me to think that my daughter marie will be in debt her whole life because of the mistakes that we made.  sure its grate to think “oh wow i can fuck up my whole life and all my kids lives and their kids lives and i can fuck the planet and i dont really care because im goin to heaven with all the other nice people and gods gonna pet our little heads” but cmon lets take some responsibility for our actions.  if u wanna be religious, do it in a way that benefits the life u live right now.  dont use it as a crutch to be an asswipe.

I’ve recently seen you referred to by the nickname, “Stinging Eagle Floating Wolf.”  At first, I wondered if you had any history as a professional boxer, but then I realized that the name sounded as if it may have actually been Native American in origin.  I was hoping that you could clarify exactly how you acquired that moniker and if you do, indeed, find any kinship with either the “first peoples” or the prizefighting worlds.

well its acutally a theory by historans i have talked to at the VFW bingo night.  seems my intense passion for freedome and also my ferocity has been likened to both the balde eagle and a wolf.  i also time travel and i fought in the revoluteionary war and they called me that , so thats that.

It has become a common belief that most people remember exactly where they were when they found out about such National tragedies as the death of president John F Kennedy and 911.  I was hoping that you could share with us your memories of where you were when each of those incidents took place.  I was also curious if you could let us know if there are any other events, whether on a uniquely personal or much more global level, that had an equally profound affect on you, where you knew that a part of you was being changed forever.

when JFK died i was only 4 months old but it hit me pretty hard.  9/11 i was workeing construction at my moms house and it was truely a tragic day.  i felt my world tear apart when the towers fell.  it was truely bueatiful to see america come together in the wake of so much sadnes but goerge w bush soon thereafter used the tragedy as a way to throw us into a frenzy that cost us trillions of dollars, thousansd of lives american and otherwise, and he did so without cause.  it maeks the event even more tragic in my eyes.  its the symbol of a long chain of mistakes id like to fix.

In one of your recent high quality promotional images, both you and your vice-presidential running mate’s heads had been photoshopped onto an image of Mt. Rushmore.  Your face was covering that of George Washington, while Rob Paul’s was pasted over that of Abraham Lincoln.  Were those 2 presidents specifically chosen out of respect, or were they chosen because you feel that, in some ways, your faces deserves to be on the monument more than theirs do?

well our graphics guy dave actaully said that the position of their heads waas more fitting so that’s why those two were chosen i mean i like washington and i like lincoln.  my dead dog was named abraham.

I believe that it was on Rob Paul’s facebook page that I recently caught the image of a flyer for a campaign fundraiser, advertising an appearance by the world famous actor/comedian, Jim Belushi of Curly Sue fame.  It stated that Paul would be in attendance, but I was wondering if you yourself have had much interaction with Belushi and how and when he came on board to support the campaign.

i wasnt able to attend that event and im not sure if rob actually came in contact with jim belishi.  rob has been known to get drunk and stretch the truth a time or two.  probaly whats more likely is he found a guy named jim the guy was drunk and said his last name was belushi and rob got excited and made the flyer.  im not really sure thouhg.

It was recently reported that Rob Paul had been detained by Wallmart security.  This is the type of scandal that can eat away at a weaker campaign like an infection of mrsa.  Do you have any concerns?  How convinced are you that he’s the right man to support you in the oval office?

well this is more of a legal matter at this point so i am not supposed to comment severely but let me break it down for you simply:

walmart and their liberal agenda is trying to block the freedome my campaign offers.  simple as that.  i dont know if u have ever had problems with their socialist policies, but seems like every time rob is in there, theyre trying to accuse him of exposing himself in the auto parts section of the store.  rob is my best friend and yea, he gets naked every once in awhile, but its usually at night.  not during the day.  i think honestly walmart is in cahoots with obama and the cia (which has been tryeing to kill me).  i duno the whole thing pisses me off.

In recent years, the idea that Will Smith and his family are hell bent on world domination has come to feel like a legitimate and impending threat for a lot of American households and I’d like to know how you felt about the issue.  Do you believe that this fear is even warranted or is this just propaganda being deflected from another, perhaps, even more sinister, source?  If you do believe that it’s a valid concern, how would you approach such an explosive, yet delicate, subject that haunts so many of us on a day to day basis?

i hate wills mith i might get rid of him when im prsident.
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