*original post created 12-11-08 for a sketchy website that breaches contracts and refuses to pay their freelancers in a timely manner*

I know how reckless you crazy kids are today, with your LSD and your magic mushrooms. You smoke your salvia divinorum, get “digital” with your delinquent adolescent cronies off that Dimethyltryptamine, and liquid dance all night to happy-hardcore beats while hopped up on synthetic mescaline and designer drugs likes 2C-I.

Nobody’s going to tell you what to do, with your teenage attitudes and misguided views of invincibility. I’m not even going to try to attempt it.  What I am going to do, however, is break a few things down for you as far as hallucinogens go.

1) The environment is possibly the most important factor in how your night is going to turn out.

2) There are some locations that will increase the likelihood of your experience going South fast.

3) The “best” places to trip out are also often the “worst” and vice-versa.

Here are some of the riskiest spots to get spun out and act-a-fool in the Seattle area.

10. The Space Needle

It’s common knowledge that the placing of this gigantic rig in the middle of the city has played a key role in subliminally forcing people into smack addiction and the growth of the black-tar problem here in Seattle.  But, how does it affect those who are simply spun out of their gourds and wandering around aimlessly in Seattle Center, you ask?

First off, it resembles a glowing UFO that is beaming you up inside of its futuristic lair.  It’s only a matter of time before you’re peeling your clothing off with the knowledge that human garb is unnecessary in the afterlife and that you cannot ascend to space/heaven with the rest of the chosen people, who are moving on to the next dimension, unless you’re naked and pure.

Not only do they serve overpriced swank meals to yuppies, that would be uncomfortable to be surrounded by, but they also have an observation deck that is very loosely barricaded by wiring.  Keep in mind that this is the view from the bottom, so you can only imagine what the view from the top would be like.

9. The Pacific Science Center

(imax & Laserdome)

You may be thinking, “What?! Laser shows are the perfect place to get all whacked out and trip!” Sorry, but I disagree.  Sure, I could probably do a Dark Side or maybe even the Radiohead shows that they’ve had going on there, but I couldn’t spend the night lying on my back forced to listen to Linkin Park or Korn.  It’s not that they are “spooky” or have dark lyrical content; it’s just because they are so fucking terrible and epitomize a bad trip waiting to happen.

What may be even worse, is that they host a highly educational bug exhibit.  Sound interesting?  Really?  It’s in IMAX and 3D.  It might sound like like a good idea to watch a giant, 3-dimensional praying mantis from Borneo crawl around, inches from your face, in the dirt and grime but…   How about this?  Why don’t you just let us know how it works out for you?

8. Teatro ZinZanni

ZinZanni includes a 3 hour show and a 5 course meal that you won’t be able to eat, while you’re swallowing excessively from your bony dehydration.  It’s not so much the chaotic circus like surroundings, because a Cirque De Soleil show wouldn’t be anywhere near as bad.  The issue is that the show is interactive and that they will actually pull your ass up on stage.

I was in there once, a long time ago, and will not soon forget it.  I was somewhat out of my mind for a different (non-psychedelic, yet sleep deprivating) reason.  They led me out into the middle of the restaurant and the floor raised up from the ground.  I had a spotlight shining in my eyes and I was encouraged to shadow box a Russian clown.  Two young Canadian twin sisters, dressed like French maids and holding number cards, took turns sitting on my lap in between fake rounds.  It had been “a while” for me and if you’re one to argue the idea of mixed signals, you wouldn’t have a terrible case in this scenario.  I had blinding spot-lights in my eyes in the center of a packed restaurant and I was so disoriented that I forgot where I was at.  I was unreasonably close to throwing a jab at that clown’s chops and wrapping a snuggle around finely toned lady performers who was pressing against me.  Later, when I was urinating in the Men’s room, there were adult businessmen patting me on the back, while congratulating me on my stage presence and involvement in the show.  For some reason shit like this unites impressionable people and their boundaries completely evaporate.  Not awesome.

Here’s an example of the chaos that is ZinZanni:

7. COURT

Seriously, why would you even consider doing that to yourself?

6. Ye Olde Curiosity Shop

It’s a local establishment down by the waterfront that’s full of wacky, creepy shit.  If you want to see a jar with a fetus floating in it, a mummified anything, or a shrunken head, this is the spot.  You can even purchase an apple flavored sucker with a real worm inside.  This place could probably best described by simply viewing this images, so….

…here’s a little example of what Ye Olde Curiosity Shop has to offer a psychedelic mind:

5. The Aurora Bridge

Rapidly climbing up the list of bridges with the highest suicide rates, behind front runners like The Golden Gate Bridge in SF.  Just having this type of knowledge in your head makes it that much more dangerous for you to be chillin’ out on its rails.

Added Note:  Watching The Lost Boys before hand, may heighten the risk factor.

4. Regrade Park

It’s an off-the-leash dog park on 3rd Ave.  This means that not only are you going to have to deal with Pit bulls running around and barking at you but, this is Cracksville pal.  It’s great if you plan to get a hit off some rock but, otherwise….. bad idea.  The fiends must not have gotten the memo that they were cleaning this place up.

Homeless crackheads swarm this area in groups like a zombie attack.  The last time that I was down there at dusk, was the first time in my life that I ever regretted not owning a chainsaw.

3. Harborview Burn Center

Being taken to the hospital on LSD is frightening enough.  If you are on your way to the burn center, the worst has probably already happened and it’s, most likely, for the best.  This list, however, is about places that you could go to voluntarily, but that we would not recommend.  For that very reason, the burn center has made it toward the top.

The smell of sterilization and fear.  Screaming children and bright fluorescent lights.  Again…. why would you want to do that to yourself?

2. The Firing Range

You’ll spend your time wondering if it’s more dangerous for you to be holding a loaded weapon, or if you should be more worried about the fact that the other people have them.  You will inevitably find out that answer, one way or the other.

1. DUI Victims Impact Panel

So, you have received a form like the one above?  Maybe you can’t wait to show the man how little you give a fuck about his “laws”.  Maybe, just maybe, you decide that you are gonna do one better than roll the establishment’s subpoena into a fat spliff and take it to the dome.  Perhaps, you think the most rebellious angle to take is laying this legal document in a vat to soak up some of that sweet L25 and use it to dose up before attending the mandatory court-ordered lecture on the dangers of drunk driving.  If so, you are a goddamn fool.  Not only have you been reckless with the lives of others but, now you’re risking the future of your own psyche in the process.

This is much worse than attending a court date.   Now you get to sit at a Victims Panel where those affected by vehicular manslaughter tell the stories of their loved ones lost.  You may even get the chance to view some graphic images through photos and/or video?  If you think that this is the time to eat that sugar cube you’ve been saving in your freezer, then something is definitely wrong with you.  I’ve seen the traumatized look on a friend’s face who had to attend one of these and he was completely sober during it.   One thing is for sure, though; the message will definitely sink in.