Segway into a Segway

Monsterfresh headquarters is located in the middle of a small neighborhood of Seattle called Fremont. It is a strange mix of hippy, drunk frat boy, and yuppie. The other day while enjoying a cigarette on the observation deck of our wonderful building, a very fat man passed by walking his dog on a fucking Segway.

Just a personal note, I loathe the Segway. Maybe it’s because I have never had the opportunity to Segway joust, play seqway polo, or be able to get that smug look on my face one gets when they step onto it’s magical platform.

Not knowing much about the system, I went to the website. My eyes were drawn to the build your own Segway button. I clicked, and clicked some more, outfitting my puny accessory free Segway into an Off road Police Segway, with LED lights, siren, hard storage case, comfort mats, side cargo sports kit, and an off-board charger (whatever the hell that is) my total came to $7,454.65!

A little bit of saliva dripped from my mouth when a vision of me riding my Segway down the streets of Seattle blasting the Top Gun Soundtrack, danced around in my overactive imaginationtron. I would have to paint teeth on it, and custom build a cow catcher for the front. Things got a little a lot weird in my head at that point and I had to go take a long walk to purge those evil thoughts from my head.

My next question was, “how fast do these motherfuckers go?”

Page 21 on their .PDF file states that I can get this puppy up to 12.5 Miles Per Hour, that’s 20 KPH for those of you who are living in a more civilized culture. That’s right, you can match the speed of someone running at a sprint, by simply leaning forward and by filling your mind with fast thoughts. I would have to figure out a way to add nitrous to the fucker and enter the Underground Segway Drag Racing Circuit, but that would be for another time and a more interesting of an article.

The batteries will have to be upgraded as well, because 24 miles per charge aint going to do shit when I am chasing down evildoers and the occasional prostitute down the street.

My dream Segway (with all the fantasy trimmings and paint) would end up with the price tag of $15,000 and ten souls of Mormon babies. If you ask me that would be a most amazing deal, after all, I get to harvest the souls of Mormon Children.

I would love to hear from anyone who owns one of these chariots of the modern age, so if anyone out there can put me in touch with or offer up what kind of personality change happened to someone they know who owned one, please contact me.

–M. Hersted